Kakashi's Past Students That Almost Made the Cut (No, They Didn't)
by QueenOfTheMemes
Summary: I wrote this because my friend Ca'Leah said I WOULDN'T write it. Bitch, don't tell me what to do. Rated M because I'm insensitive.
1. Chapter 1

_Kakashi's Past Students That Almost Made the Cut (No, They Didn't)_

 _I wrote this because my friend Ca'Leah said I wouldn't write it. Bitch, don't tell me what to do. Rated M because I'm insensitive._

Once upon a time, there was a SUPER MEGA nerd named Ca'Leah, a lil bitch named Alex (believe me if you saw him you would know it and you have a 99.9999% chance of winning a fight against his bitch ass) and their extremely attractive friend Samantha and they were all ninjas. The lil bitch, the nerd and the attractive, fabulous, rich, hot, smart, and well mannered one were freshly squeezed out of ninja school (because killing can be institutionalized and packaged for the public) and they were ready to become rEaL ninja for their village- the village hidden in the hood (gotta mention, idk how the hell Alex finished, he sucks ass and Ca'Leah is a weenie). No wait, that isn't right. They're actually exchange students from the Village Hidden in the Hood and now they live in the Village Hidden in the leaves (laaaame aaaass neeeeerds. Ca'Leah belongs in the Leaf tho).

The village hidden in the leaves was mediocre at best but the military program guaranteed jobs (via murdering others for the wealthy elite) so obviously Alex, Ca'Leah and Samantha were excited to get started and get some $$$$.

"Where's that hoe?" Samantha huffed.

"If I was him, probably fucking bitches." Alex shrugged.

"He's late. We should file a report on his misconduct," Ca'Leah said.

"Nerd," Samantha whispered under her breathe.

"Don't make me fight you. You know I'm taller than you. I've been taller than you. I'm FASTER. STRONGER. BETTER. BATMAN."

Samantha responded with a dissonant scream and then they waited some more in that dank ass room (smells like cheap ass pussy weed tbh) for their teacher Kakashi.

Two hours later, Kakashi fucking arrived. "Who's been smoking weed," He leaned against the doorframe, " _And where can I get some?_ "'

"Bitch," Alex whispered under his breath, flicking the ashes on the floor cause he don't care anyway.

"LIKE WE WOULD SHARE WITH YOUR BASIC ASS." Ca'Leah and Samantha thought to themselves but instead gave that late hoe the stank eye.

"Ignoring that TIT BIT," Samantha said, "When are we going to have our test? It's already eight o'clock and it's dark out."

"Right now is good. Ninjas need to navigate in the dark." Kakashi's bitch ass replied.

"Fuck you and fuck this ass hat village," Ca'Leah's blind ass said, pushing up her glasses (see? I told ya'll she was a nERD).

"*cough*NERD*cough*" Alex coughed, adjusting his glasses (everyone is a nerd except for Samantha, the very beautiful one, in case you forgot).

"We're leaving." Kakashi left the room.

"What an asshole, he didn't even check to see if we were following. Let's wait here and ditch him." Samantha suggested.

"We can order a pizza," Alex said.

"No, we should follow the rules," Ca'Leah the nerd said.

"BITCH, NOOOOOO," Alex whined.

"OH MY GAAAWD," Samantha groaned.

"WE'LL ALL FAIL AND HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE HOOD AND GET REAL JOBS, LIKE STRIPPERS" Ca'Leah said.

"Shit, she's right, we'd have to go to stripping school," Alex said to a grimacing Samantha.

"And student loans will literally ruin our lives forever before we graduate from stripping school, leaving us with bad credit and unable to make large purchases necessary for the adult world… Ugh, let's go." Samantha lamented.

They actually lost track of Kakashi and couldn't find him.

"When we become strippers, can you please drive me to the club Samantha?" Alex asked.

"Ugh, fine but I'm going to charge you." Samantha groaned, her beautiful face scrunching up attractively.

"WAIT. I see him," Ca'Leah pointed at… the adult book shop (it's actually a general sex shop but you get the picture).

"Oh," Alex said.

"Oh," Samantha said.

"Oh," Ca'Leah said.

"I told you, _fucking bitches_." Alex said.

"Wouldn't the fact that he's in there mean that he doesn't have a bitch to fuck?" Ca'Leah asked.

"Shut up nerd," Alex replied.

"KAKASHI, YOU FUCKER. WHY YOU TRYIN GET YOUR DICK WET WHEN WE COULD BE FORCED TO RETURN TO THE HOOD?" Samantha screamed at the door and got the three of them kicked out of the store before they could even get inside.

After buying his stuff, Kakashi meet the three of them outside, in the alley, behind the dumpster, next to a pile of dirty, blood-crusted needles and a half-rotted severed foot.

"I feel like we're about to die," Ca'Leah said.

"Can I have your drawing pad?" Alex asked.

"Bury me with it or suffer my ghost-wrath." Ca'Leah snarled.

Ignoring the nerds, Kakashi announced, "Look, I already have what I was going to do this evening," He patted his shopping bag, "But the three of you are very persistent. I'll give one chance to become a ninja before the next day."

"It's 11:55 you ass," Alex snapped.

"Your ninja challenge is… find me a prostitute. Female. Green, poorly kept dreadlocks. Snaggletooth. Around 180 pounds, and has one foot an entire shoe size bigger than the other. Go."

"That's so specific. I hope you're not using us as a private investigator," Ca'Leah commented.

"Or the missed connections page on Craigslist." Samantha narrowed her eyes at Kakashi.

"I'm going to get some donuts and then loiter around Ca'Leah's house. Bye," Alex began to walk away.

"I'll bring the banana milk," Samantha said, following him.

"STAY OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU TWO ARE FORBIDDEN FROM COMING TO MY HOUSE ANYWAY. YOU SLOW DOWN MY INTERNET AND EAT ALL MY FOOD. FUCK. OFF." Ca'Leah screamed.

"Wait, which reminds me; can't we just transform-jutsu into the description of the prostitute?" Samantha asked.

"But who's gonna fuck the teacher? I think we all agreed the farthest we would go in the sex industry is clapping our glorious asses for $$$$, so we're in a moral dilemma here." Alex asked.

"You bring up a good point there, friend. As the most attractive one here, I believe I qualify as the most qualified person to make this decision." Samantha turned to Kakashi, "I pick Alex."

"Excellent choice. You're all ninjas now." Kakashi nodded.

They didn't have sex because Kakashi lied about everything. They were suspected, arrested and then convicted for prostitution (never technically got to that point, but the law-making authority figures in our society never miss a chance to throw somebody in jail) spying (unfairly, they weren't even ninjas yet) and drug possession (#420blazeit). They were sent back to the village in the hood after a thorough interrogation and strip search. After recovering from their traumatic ninja experience, they went to stripping school and they all drowned in the debt from their student loans. They lived the rest of their lives, sadly clapping their asses while going nowhere financially as they became emotionally, spiritually and financially entrenched in, and increasingly dependent of, their decaying capitalistic society. Then they died.

THE END.

A/N: There is a shadow encompassing the socio-economic and political landscape of this country and it will catch you!


	2. Chapter 2

The sequel no one wanted

enjoy

"Which one of you asses defaced the Hokage Mountain?" The Third Hokage asked judicially, peering down at the youths before him from his bench.

"Bitch, you can't prove anything! There ain't no camera in this dank-ass village you run!" Alex screamed.

"Hokage-sama, that was Naruto. You know the kid of your student you failed to protect for like twelve plus years?" Iruka said.

"Who?" The Hokage asked.

"Minato hates us all. That's why Kishimoto gave up on the characterization of the supporting characters of this show. And by supporting characters, I also mean Sakura because he gave up on her first."

"This show sucks, I want a re-trial in an actually good anime like HunterxHunter or Yu Yu Hakushou." Samantha screamed.

"How rude. Ten years of prison for you."

"MAKE IT DEATH SO WE DON'T HAVE TO GO TO STRIPPING SCHOOL AND GET STUDENT LOANS OR STAY IN THIS ANIME ANY LONGER." Ca'Leah demanded.

"Wait! Ca'Leah! Don't be hasty! Funerals cost as much as a college tuition these days!" Samantha voiced her concern by yelling.

"Why are we punished for dying?" Alex asked.

The Hokage nodded. "Six months of prison then." He pounded his gavel down thrice.

Iruka spoke up, "Aren't we gonna consult the jury sitting over there."

The hokage glanced at the group of people selected to reflect the statistical makeup of the village.

"Are you trying to take away my power to put anybody I want in prison? I'm a dictator of a country with a war-economy you ass."

"Huh, Kishimoto never addressed that. Alright children, prison time for you." Iruka started pushing beautiful Samantha, nerd Ca'Leah and weenie Alex into a giant iron cage in the back of the court room, full of rapists and murderers.

"Don't you mean juvie hall?" Alex asked.

"Yes, prison." Iruka confirmed.

"I HOPE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS GO COMMUNISM ON YOUR ASS!" Samantha screamed as they were locked in the punishment box.

"Next order of business; should we stop influencing youths to throw away their lives for the sake of the wars our bureaucrats wage. As supreme dictator, I say naw. Definitely naw. How else can we make money unless we make children kill each other? You know what? That's it! I know how to improve our economy! I want more child-soldiers."

"More child soldiers. Comin' right up sir," Iruka wrote the command down on the back of a wal-mart receipt.

A muscular man came with a trolley and wheeled away the prisoners to prison.

"Hah! Six months in prison?! Try working in food service industry for a year, assholes!" Ca'Leah crackled. "YOU CAN'T BREAK ME!"

Alex sighed. "Should I tell her that there's no wifi in prison?"

Samantha looked off into the distance. "There is no wifi here. This anime… is a dark place. That's why I wanted to go to HunterxHunter." A tear rolled down her face. "And there won't be wifi until many years after the destruction of Konaha."

Alex started to shake. "You mean- like in the 90's…"

"Yes Alex," Samantha whispered, "We must endure dial up once more. But we will endure," Her voiced cracked, "WE SHALL ENDURE!"

The three youths were thrown into a cell together. Then, the prison warden announced the rules.

"There is no such thing as privacy in my prison. We don't trust you so we will do a strip search of you all to make sure you're not hiding any dildos. That's what prison is for. You will do mindless, menial tasks at my discretion throughout the day, when I say so. And your meals will be served lukewarm three times a day. Your bed-time is i don't give a shit. Bye."

"Oh, it's just like high school. I think we'll be okay, as long as we're on good behavior." Alex smiled.

"Ah. See, that's where our dilemma stands. I have to fight and or kill someone in this prison today." Samantha sighed.

"Excuse me, bitch?" Alex screamed.

"IF I DON'T ESTABLISH MY DOMINANCE NOW THEN WHAT WILL I TELL MY FAMILY? THAT I'M A PUSSY ASS BITCH? NO FUCKING THANKS!" Samantha screamed back.

"YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING! STOP!" Alex screamed.

"YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU?!" Samantha said politely.

"Wow we're in a high energy, high emotions situation guys! I think it would be prudent right now to take a deep breath and- GAH!" Samantha removed the fork from Ca'Leah side.

"The deed is done," Samantha announced.

"Thank god, she was spewing nerd stuff again." Alex nodded.

"Medic!" Alex called.

"Stop that! She needs to bleed more for people to take me seriously!" Samantha snapped.

"..." Alex looked at Samantha's beautiful face. "MEDIC! WOMAN DOWN!"

"You bitch!" Samantha snarled, pointing the bloody fork at Alex face, "You're next!"

Samantha felt something on her foot, she looked down and - Ca'leah had stabbed Samantha in the foot.

MMMMMM WATCHA SAAAAY MMMMMM THAT YOU ONLY MEANT WEEEELL

Samantha felt a pain in her arm and she looked over her shoulder and he- Alex-

MMMMMMMMMMM WHAT DID YOU SAAAAAAAY

The medical ninja heard the meme and rushed over to Ca'Leah and Samantha aid.

It took Ca'Leah and Samantha weeks to get over their injuries, and unknownst to them, Alex was getting over his weenie ness while alone and vulnerable in prison.

When Ca'Leah and Samantha found him, he had a pimp coat and shades on. He slapped a man through a wall for stepping on his rad purple fur coat.

"I," Alex eyed his two friends, "Learned to use chakra."

"Wow, why did we try to become ninjas again?" Ca'Leah asked.

"I thought ninjas were like a high-class stripper? What's this voodoo magic?" Samantha asked.

Unfortunately for all of them, because of Alex's new shining reputation as a badass, they all became entangled with the drug cartel and ended up killing people and extending their sentences anyway. But, they were successful drug cartel and eventually made bail in two months.

They were free, free to return to the village in the hood and become proper strippers.

It turned out that while the trio was in prison, inflation hit the economy and tuition skyrocketed to a growth of 208%. They were forced to take out student loans and work part time jobs that paid minimum wage (and if you remembered the inflation part, you know they fucked.)

"We'll never pay off our debts! The system's got us screwed sideways AND hook-dick Tim wants his drug money or else he's gonna break our legs!" Ca'Leah said glumly. She dug her hands into her hair and slumped over the desk. Alex scoots forward in his chair and rubs Ca'Leah's back, his face downcast.

The screen pans over to the beautiful Samantha who is sitting on a barstool at a ¾ angle, looking into the camera.

*in the arms of an angel plays*

"She's right you know," Samantha said professionally. "Since birth we have had the social and socio-economic disadvantage that enables the Hidden Leaf hoes to oppress other Ninja Villages and their citizens, like us. To stop the Hidden Leaf from fucking other smaller economies in the ass and to stop hook-dick Tim from breaking our legs, please donate some $$$$ to us. All you have to do is call to save our asses from Hidden Leaf fuckery and our legs from hook-dick Tim. Please call 666-666-666 extension 420. Thank you for your time."

A/N: Please send me money.

BONUS: the scene that inspired the sequel but didn't make the cut

And Ca'Leah's slippery, soapy buttox caught the attention of the biggest baddie in the whole prison block- hook-dick Tim . And my hook-dick, I mean it curls downward.


End file.
